Never enough
I fail to keep the house clean enough. Mess goes away; mess comes back.
I fail to make good enough meals. Often I draw a blank as to what to make; we end up having a pasta box with add ins. If it's not completely homemade, I've failed.
I fail to balance life with joy and peace.
I fail to know how to relax without thinking about what needs to get done.
I fail to be the kind of wife and mother I want to be.
I fail to meet the standard of perfection I set for myself. I compare myself way too much to others when all I see are snippets of their life and home.
Yesterday, in my kitchen, I found myself once again feeling so low, so depressed, so disappointed with myself. Why? I asked myself. Why can't I do better? Why do I constantly struggle with the fact that work is never done. It is a fact of life. But since the work is never done, I constantly feel like a failure. I feel good when a task is complete. Certain things are never complete. I constantly knock myself because I am not creative enough with meals or my house is once again a mess or the bathrooms haven't gotten cleaned yet this week.
So I started looking around and realized the reality of the situation. I constantly feel like I don't provide well enough for my family meal-wise...but then I look at the counter and there are sitting:
(1) zucchini muffins (homemade);
(2) pumpkin bread (2 loaves homemade);
(3)fruit; and
(4)the baby food processor (symbolizing the food I make for Danielle).
And this is just the counter.
As I am making a decent supper for my family, I also look in the fridge. There are leftovers from last night...but the base I used for the skillet dinner was a box, so it can't count. It's not homemade. There is salmon leftover from the night before...but that can't count because Morgan grilled it. This is how I think! I'll do something, but then I'll justify why it doesn't meet up with my standard of perfection. It might not be healthy enough, so it doesn't count. Or it's not presented well enough, so it doesn't count.
WHY AM I LIKE THIS???? I am making myself miserable.
Morgan does not place these expectations on me. He likes simple dinners...tacos...spaghetti...etc. The mess bothers me more than it does him.
I saw a show on tv last night where this mom had 4 kids and kept her house spotless. I only have 1 and feel like I can hardly handle it sometimes. What's wrong with me?
Lord, I know a big part of this is that perhaps I don't rest enough in the knowledge that you accept me for who I am no matter what I do or don't get done during the day. I always feel like I have to do more to prove myself...prove myself to me, to my husband, to my parents, to my friends, and to you. Help me to rest in your acceptance of me today- no strings attached. You still think I'm a good mommy and wife if my house is messy and if we have rice-a-roni with add ins for supper. You want me to offer love, joy, and peace in my home.
Please help me to not sacrifice my desire and need to be a quiet spirit of love and joy in my home for a busy, critical spirit when I don't attain to my own unrealistic standards. Please remind me to rest...please take away my complaining spirit and replace it with one that rejoices in life. Help me to rejoice over what I have accomplished during the day and not gripe over what I haven't got done. Help me to bask in the sunlight of your blessings. Thank you for giving me the desire of my heart in my baby girl. Thank you for the constant joy she brings to my heart. Forgive me for not accepting your acceptance of me. Forgive me, please, for making earthly things a priority instead of my heart and Your heart. Forgive me for my Martha spirit, and please replace it with a Mary heart. I give you my day. Use it as you will...make me an instrument of your peace in my family's life. Amen.
10 comments:
i use to not be able to think of anything to cook, then i started getting Taste of Home, and now i have tons of things to cook. if you ever need a new recipe, just ask! but really, it sounds to me like you are a GREAT wife, mother, and cook. so what if you use box dinners..they are easy. and zucchini muffins...i haven't even made those! sounds great. AND you make Danielle's food..that is more that MOST moms do. you should be proud of yourself. besides, the box dinners can count..you took time to do those. :) i know how you feel though.. i have thought those thoughts before too. but honestly, from this side of the fence, you sound like you are a great woman who does a TON for her family.
Isn't Mommy Guilt the worst thing in the world? This is something I struggle with as well. I can either be a "good" wife/mother by cooking/cleaning/getting things done etc. or by spending time with my family and taking everything else in stride. That's what I keep reminding myself anyway. How clean your house is (so long as there's nothing actually toxic) doesn't realy mater so much as how loved your child and husband feel. If having a clean home is a way to show your husband you love him, do it for that reason. If it is something that weighs on you because by doing it YOU are somehow fulfilled then someone has told you to believe something that isn't true.
I feel this way often, and I don't even have kids yet! Isn't it crazy how we constantly belittle everything we do and make ourselves feel like it isn't good enough? I wouldn't feel so bad about Rice-a-Roni if I were you. That is really not so bad. At least it's not Kraft Dinner! :) But seriously, I think it sounds like you are doing great!
Thanks Ang,
Isn't it so easy to get overwhelmed? I find myself doing much of the same thing.... your openess and prayer has blessed my heart.
Thank you for posting this. I am in the same boat as you, only one baby and he's only six months old. Still, my house is messy (after I just cleaned it). I TRY to be creative with meals, but well, you know how that goes...
I just feel like since I don't work outside the home that everything at home needs to be PERFECT, since this is my full time job.
There's so much guilt on me that I'm not enough. I'm not enough since I don't work outside the home. Not enough as a mom. Not enough as a wife.
When are we ever enough?
Ang,
You are doing a great job. This is a huge time of transition in life and its normal to feel what you're feeling. At the same time, I do want to ask, do you think that it could be more than just the transition? Could it be postpartum depression? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but depression is common and can happen any time two years after you have a child. Take care of yourself and than you can feel that you are being the mother and wife you know you are. Having had PPD and discussing it on my blog with numerous moms, maybe I'm quick to think that you could possibly have it, but I also know that I wish someone had asked me or suggested that I look into support for the feelings I was having. Life is too short to not feel good if it's a chemical imbalance. Yes, Satan feeds us a lot of lies and God is our healer and provider, but he was gave us very incredible bodies that sometimes let us down. Something you can and should try is taking a fish oil supplement. It provides the good fat your brain and nerves need function and focus properly. Growing babies, and nursing babies, take a lot of that from mommies which is a big reason we feel liek we've lost our minds. So if nothing else, go buy some good fish oil and see how you feel after a couple of weeks. We love you and are praying for you.
Thanks for sharing this Ang! First, I just want to say that I've known you for awhile now, and the Ang I know is NOT a failure! I say this because I have always envied you in a way...you're gorgeous, you know what you want, and you strive to meet every goal you set...you are a strong woman, in every aspect of the word, and you're a wonderful wife...I read about how much you love Morgan and how wonderful life is with him, and how blessed you are to have him, and not many people can say that about their spouses these days! And it's clear that Morgan does NOT think you're a failure, either!! And to be totally honest, I envy the way you can mother Danielle. I am pregnant with my third kid, and I am telling the first time mom here that I envy HER as a parent! You are patient and hardworking, and anyone who reads your blog can see how hard you work for your daughter and your husband. Just looking at the pictures of your home (okay, pictures of you and of Danielle), I look at the background and I think, "MAN she does a great job with that house!!! How does she do it?!" And I would KILL to have ANYTHING homemade in my house right now. I LONG to cook and bake, but I have no time with my two VERY busy kids (soon to be a crazy THREE, which means I'l probably never see the inside of my oven again). I hardly have any time, muchless the energy to clean. And I get my morning sickness all day and severely at night...I am in bed by 8 pm at the latest, stuck laying there watching the tube (it's better than the alternative...stay up working on the house and spend the rest of the night with my head in the toilet bowl)...and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm watching most of the time, because I am so stressed looking at my bedroom and all the boxes STILL waiting to be unpacked (been here two and a half months already...I am usually totally unpacked by the second day...and I have "morning" sickness to thank for this), and realize I have a load in the dryer to be folded, and a load in the washing machine that needs to be put in the dryer and then folded, a kitchen that screams "CLEAN ME", bathroom counters that I can't find beneath hair products/makeup/soap dispensers and who knows what else, the family room carpet that can't be found due to all the kids' toys strewn about, and the fact that our fridge/freezer and pantry are nearly empty, because I can't find the stomach to do grocery shopping. But I have had to come to accept, only recently, that this is how life is right now. I do what I can, I give my best, and whether I like the end result of not doesn't matter, because no one ever goes hungry (thank you boxed dinners), everyone has a bed to sleep on with shets and blankets, and a roof over our heads, and a sanitary (maybe not "clean" but it's definitely sanitary if nothing else) house to live in. I realize that my children and my husband do not look at me as a failure. I realize that other people compare themselves to me and feel better about themselves and think I'm a slob, but those are the people with only one or no kids, and the people really don't KNOW me (I'm about as OCD as you can get...hence my stress over an imperfect house). I have come to realize that I am actually doing pretty darn well, given my current circumstances, whether anyone else angrees with me or not. It's my best, and that's all I can do.
You're a GREAT mom, Ang, and an example of love to any parent who knows anything about you. It's so clear that you are head over heels in love with your family...what more can your husband and daughter ask for than a wife/mom who would go to the ends of the earth for them? Hang in there...you're not alone...becoming a mom is a complete identity change, and here I am three years later STILL trying to get used to it...I wish I could have the patience and endurance that you have, Ang...seriously...you're an awesome mom! I'd rather have a great mom who would do anything at the drop of a hat for her family, than a mom who would neglect me to cook and clean the house! You're doing great!!
Kayla, I have tears in my eyes after reading your comment. Thank you so much for your kind and generous words. I also appreciate you sharing your struggle. I too think you are a WONDERFUL mother- and all the things that you said about me are true about you too! Don't be down on yourself- you have two little ones running around and morning/afternoon/evening sickness- something of which I know nothing about!
Ladies, I really appreciate all your comments. To be honest, posting this was an afterthought. I had journaled it on my private blog journal, and I just felt strongly that I was supposed to share this with the world. For some reason, I thought that everyone else had it together and I was just sharing personal feelings, but I see now this is something we all struggle with!
If nothing else, maybe this post has brought some encouragement and support to all of us! We need to be there for one another.
Maria- my issue is I have a whole shelf of recipe books, some of which are my own favorite recipes i have compiled...but I just lack motivation many times to look in them. And Zucchini muffins/bread is the way to go! Gives your family vitamins in a yummy way! I put wheat germ in mine too, which adds protein.
Steph, I really appreciated your comments. Thank you.
Sarah, obviously this is just a 'woman' thing. Kraft dinner????we had that last night. :0) just kidding.
Heidi, nice to hear from you! Thank you.
Anon, I am really enjoying your comments on my blog. Do I know you?
Renae, I am thinking about what you said. I have never once thought I had ppd (after the first month), but I will try the fish oil...I love and appreciate you!
Once again, this post has made me realize how much we need each other to encourage and support one another. Hang in there, girls! As much as I needed your kind words, you need mine too! You have LOTS of love to give your families and that's all you need!
The things that Danielle will remember most about her Mommy when she's grown are your smile, your cuddles, your together time, and the way you taught her about Jesus. I guarantee that the things Morgan most values are your affection, warmth and encouragement.
A messy house doesn't matter as long as it's a safe haven for your family.
You're a beautiful wife and Mommy.
Okay, now you've done it. All I can THINK about since I read this post last week is "I WANT ZUCCINNI MUFFINS!!!!" Alright, so what's your recipe? My mom always made GREAT zuccinni bread, but she puts TONS of stuff in it, and well...I like the simple life:) Include how much wheat germ you usually put in, because I bake that stuff into everything, too:) Thanks!
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