First Time Mom Phobia
I have been wanting to ask you moms out there a couple questions for a while.
1. How paranoid were you about 'passing off' your baby to people to be held when they were newborns? The purpose of my question is to compare myself to see if I am overreacting for real, or if this is normal and good.
I have found myself to be quite protective and possessive of Danielle, to the point where I don't feel comfortable with anyone holding her unless they are family and even then sometimes I grow uncomfortable and need to have her back in Morgan's or my own arms.
When she was just 2 weeks old and we took her to church, I actually had several people ask to hold her and it was awkward to politely decline. I know it's normal for people to want to hold a newborn, but I just haven't felt comfortable with it. Her first week, when ladies brought us meals, I let them hold her then...but at church I have not passed her to anyone but family.
Right now, there is a good deal of flu and the rhinovirus circuiting around here which makes me even more paranoid. Her pediatrician actually told us that we should not pass her around until she is 3 months old, for logical reasons pertaining to fevers and blood test with newborns under 3 months. She said to make her out to be the 'bad guy'...but even when I still (politely) tell people what the doctor recommended, they sometimes seem to take it personally and look at me like I'm from Mars, totally overreacting, or make comments like, "You're DEFINITELY a first time mom!", resulting in me feeling stupid for following my motherly instinct. People seem to think that the antibodies a baby receives from the mother are a universal ticket of protection. Perhaps my education in this subject serves to make me overly paranoid in the viral/bacterial department. Yes, they help...but if I can get it, she can get it.
So my question is this. Were you the same way? Are my feelings too extreme? Morgan and I try to be as polite about it as we can and hope that people can just wait until she gets a little older to hold her...why can't they wait without making me feel totally dumb? Some people seem to understand and comment that they were the same way with their first, then others just laugh and make smart remarks.
So...just looking to find out how you handled your first, or what you're experiences have been with newborns. I'm interested in everything from totally not caring who holds your baby to being as anal as I am.
2. At what age did you worry about trying to improve your child's sleep habits (ie. establishing a bedtime routine, self-soothing, going to sleep on their own and in their own bed, etc.)...I've heard different opinions. Do you think I should start worrying about this at 2 months, or should we continue to 'go with the flow'.
Thanks! By the way, these questions are no reflection of how much I LOVE being a mom!!!!
9 comments:
Oh Angela I know where you are coming from! I will try to answer quickly as I'm not sure how much time I will have. I was EXACTLY like you when I had Asa. I was extremely protective and was very careful about who handled my baby. It was quite a while before I let people at church hold him and even then they were instructed to not "pass him around". Sick infants are no fun and I wasn't willing to take my chances. Now with Lily I am pretty much the same way. I leave her in her carseat at church and make no apologies about not passing her around. For the most part people have been pretty understanding. Again I do not want a sick baby. When people come to my house or if they are family or good friends I surely don't mind them loving on the baby. What I have found to be beneficial was the advice I was given before Asa was born. Someone told me to "just relax" and not get stressed out over every little thing. Simple advice but it has been such a good reminder when I get a little anal. As Asa has gotten older (and I'm sure it will be that way with Lily) I have been very willing to let people (specifically at church) just love my kids. Sometimes I am choosy about who they spend time with for whatever reason. Because I have let people love my little family I am seeing in Asa a love for others. He loves to go to church and has a few 'favorite' people. This has been an incredible blessing to me to see God's people love my little person!!! Eventually you will be more comfortable with people around Danielle. But don't apologize for being protective of your baby! You will begin to be more at ease with people wanting to hold her.
As far as your second question. I'm a BIG believer in schedules. Honestly they help me keep my sanity. Especially now that I have two to think about. I started Lily on "loose" schedule about a week ago. For the most part it has gone well. Flexability is the key. I KNOW not everyone agrees with the book Baby Wise but it has been a lifesaver in this house. I bottle feed my babies so I understand their feeding needs are a little less demanding than breast fed babies. I like the predictability of a schedule. It actually allows you to have a lot more freedom to make plans, outings etc. when you know what your little one is going to do next. Like I said I'm not anal about it but the principles in that book have been very helpful to me. Well I should go! I hope this was a little helpful. We are all on this crazy parenthood journey together!
We were hesitant to let people hold Jadon, but I think a lot of that had to do with his NICU stay, and having had an open hole in his head that took several weeks to heal. We made everyone who did hold him use hand sanitizer, and we new people were rolling their eyes about it, but oh well, he's our child, and we had legitimate reasons, so they could follow our rules or just not hold him. Amberly, on the other hand, we were passing her off to everyone before we ever even left the hospital. And she was just fine, too:)
As for the sleep thing? Wait. It's too early. You can do little things like general time frames for morning and afternoon naps, but don't do the cry-it-out thing or any other traumatic-for-parents-and-baby-both things just yet. Just try to gently guide her into a routine, but let her decide if it's working or not, for now. BUT, DO read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weisbluth NOW, so you can start figuring out techniques ahead of time. This book will save your life (and your sleep:) )!! We still use it with Jadon when he goes through his phases of not wanting to stick with routine!
ang, i'm feeling you.:) (and the only bad thing is that this isn't going to be the only issue you'll get grief for-- people seem to be very free with advice/judgment when it comes to other peoples' parenting skills.)
yes, i was very cautious about letting others hold olivia when we first took her home. i was the purell nazi like kayla.
and the sleep schedule-- yes i was really paranoid about it. after olivia was old enough and over her colic, it naturally worked out.
ang, YOU ARE NORMAL. you're doing a fantastic job. stick to your gut-- as much as it's frustrating that people aren't understanding, it doesn't matter. (keep blogging. we'll keep encouraging you.:):)
Haha! I saw myself all over again in your questions!
#1 - When Mya was a few weeks old I was holding her and sometime dropped by to give us some food. As she came towards me (and THE BABY!! ahh) I stepped back a bit and she touched Mya's leg!!!!!!!!!! I freaked somewhat and retreated to the bedroom with the excuse that "I had to feed her". My mom (who was visiting) followed me and as soon as she came through the door - my eyes bugged out and I exclaimed in a whisper "SHE TOUCHED HER...WHAT SHOULD WE DO??" Anticipating my mom would calmly tell me that Mya was fine, I freaked out more when her eyes bugged out and she replied in a frantic whisper "I KNOW!!! I DON'T KNOWWWWW!!" We planned that my mom would go 'get rid of her' as I stayed in the bedroom 'feeding her'. Once she was gone we dashed to the bathroom and promptly gave her a bath!!
We laugh so hard about it now. All it takes is someone to say "Remember when someone touched Mya's leg" and we burst into uncontrollable laughter again. I suppose we were all a bit on edge when she was young considering she was 5 weeks early and had a stay in the NICU. etc. etc. etc.
So yeah - I think you may be normal. Keep her in the car seat at church until you feel like taking her out.
2. We started our routine around 4 months or so (I think- maybe 3ish?). I had been given about 4 books (all of the ones mentioned here) on sleeping habits, baby whispering, etc. etc. - I just took a bit from each one and figured out what worked best for Mya. It wasn't too complicated. She really needed some sort of routine (not necessarily a schedule)to anticipate bedtime. I always let her 'play' on her activity mat while I got dinner on (this would wear her down a bit). We would have 'dinner', followed by a warm bath, some baby massage time, then some relaxed reading and cuddling together in the rocking chair. Then she'd be settled into bed. We did this even before she slept through the night. It only took about 5 days for her to get used to it and it gave us our evenings back.
(I would let her fuss, but couldn't bring myself to let her cry cry - you know the difference. And I've never regretted it...)
When Micaiah was newborn I was protective too. I was hesitant to let people hold him, especially at church, like you said. When people would come to the house I would just say, "Sorry, I'm a new mom, you know how we are. Would you mind washing your hands before you hold him?" I'm sure if you explain your concern about flu season people will understand. And if they don't, too bad! She's your baby, and however protective you want to be is up to you. God entrusted this little life to you and Morgan. You are learning how to be good parents, and it's sounds like you are doing a great job. But bottom line is she is yours, not anyone else's. Unfortunately, I learned early on that the life of a parent often means defending your choices in face of opposition. For the next 18+ years you will have other parents (including family) tell you that you should let your kids go places or do things that you may not agree with. It's often nice to hear another opinion, but in the end the decisions are yours to make, no one else's. You are welcome to offer others an explaination, but certainly don't feel obligated. You two are the parents, and that's all they need to know.
As for sleep issues. I read Baby Wise when Micaiah was about 3 months. I wish I had read it earlier as it would have helped me not allow him to develop bad habits. For us it was a life saver, and made a huge change in our daily sanity. I think good habits are always great to encourage. How far you want to take that "encouragement" may depend on your current situation. If you are having major issues that fill your days and sleepless nights with frustration, then you should act now before it gets to the point of resenting that little gift God gave you. I personally think that after about two weeks, when your milk has come in, your body has adjusted, and you have had enough time to start figuring out your baby's cues, you can start establishing a routine/schedule. We had to let Micaiah cry it out for a few days, and they were pure tourture for us. But, he went from fighting it hard to sleeping like an angel in 3 days. And he has slept 12 hours thru the night since. So it was definately worth it for us. Some parents are not comfortable with crying it out, which is fine. You have to find a solution that works for your baby that you can live with. Babycenter.com lists several sleep techniques and may help you find one you are comfortable with. I hope you are able to find something that works soon, it can be so hard in the meantime.
I guess, I am the oddball... but what else is new... I never had a problem with people holding Gabby... as long as I knew them! Chris did not want ANYONE to touch her or come near her though. I guess every parent is different in every way.... We did not take Gabby to church until she was 3 weeks old, and she slept in her carrier the whole time, so nobody asked to hold her.
As for the sleeping habits... Gabby set that on her own, and we are happy with her choice! She slept through the night for the first time at 3 weeks old.... and has done so ever since.... minus the rare occation for teething or other aches and pains.
I am sure you are an excellent mother, I have no doubt in my mind. Just remember that you know what is best for your baby!
I am not a mom so I don't have any experience. However, I live vicariously though other peoples children--especially now that I no longer work with children. I love to hold them and play with them at church. However, i have been denied holding a baby.
I did have a situation where I felt like the mom was being a little anal and "out of the book." These parents couldn't have a baby and they adopted a girl from China. They would not let anyone hold the baby because they wanted the child to bond with them and not get confused. This makes sense logically, but I just sensed that they were over the top. It hurt my feelings, but then I got over it. Especially because adoption is different than your own baby.
I guess all I am saying is it makes it awkward for those who are denied. We are a church of 1200 so I am sure I will have people I don't know want to hold our baby. It should be interesting to see what happens then.
However, I would say go with your gut.
ang. i didn't have too much of a problem with people holding tyler. i was always close by and i didn't want any one who was not "old enough" to hold him. i just mostly at first let the older women who have had kids hold him. and i still don't put him in the nursery yet. i am just a little peroniod about someone not taking the best care of him.
as for sleeping..two months is too young to put her on a sleeping pattern. i would wait until around four months. if she is not sleeping longer at night for you then you could go a few different ways with it. we chose to let tyler cry it out for a few nights..only cuz he was more or less getting up just out of habit...and i knew that because he would hardly eat at night just fall back asleep. but i think you will know better when the time comes.
the big thing is DONT WORRY ...you are the mom and you know what is best for her. that is very important. you are doing a great job.
i must add..babies do love routine..so at three or four months you can start to work towards a routine....night time routine..nap routine...they like the perdicatbility.
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