How am I?
I'm sitting here...feeling like posting, but not quite sure of what to write about. It seems in my heart I have so much to write about, yet I fear to put in in words. So many people ask me, "How are you doing, Angela?" and I reply, "Doing well, thanks!". But a few good friends have recently asked, "How are you REALLY doing, Angela?", and I reply, "Do you want the real, long answer, or do you want the short, easy answer?"
Since this computer sitting in front of me is inanimate, it's easier to be honest with a screen...but then again...I worry about the judgments of others sitting at so many other inanimate screens. Why should we have to worry about others judging? Why do we judge? Oh well. I remain in myself much of the time, afraid to share all of me.
So I will try to meet you at a medium...I'll give more than a short answer, but not all.
How am I? Overall, I find the Lord to sustain me and lift me up...He is so kind. He is the kindest, most thoughtful One I have ever known. He truly is the Author of Peace. This has been a really hard year for me so far. Well, ya know, I would have said that about last year too; but looking back, God expanded my love for Him in so many ways through the physical trials I endured. This year, I have faced discouragement of many kinds. The semester has been rough for me...I've been sick and gone for part of it...am just now catching up. I've questioned what I'm doing...the future is so uncertain...I constantly feel like I'm not being a good wife, a good pastor's wife, a good friend, a good daughter. I always feel myself in the trap of wanting to please everyone around me, when they don't care if I do or don't. I'm having a hard time grasping unconditional love lately for some reason. I feel that I dissappoint everyone. My husband tells me everyday how wonderful he thinks I am, yet I have a hard time believing. WHY? Why these attacks?
Yet, through it all I sense that still, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit...the stillness of His love that I learned to recognize last year. HE loves me, that I know. I think God has brought more memorized Scripture to mind in the past several months than in the past couple years! Almost every day, He gives me a Scripture to get me through. Through what, you ask? I don't know. There's just a cloud over me...I'm tired.
I don't complain. I am so blessed. Yet I want to be honest to someone. How am I? Pretty sucky. Yet, the words of an old hymn come to my mind "through it all, through it all, I learn to trust in Jesus. I learn to trust in Him. Through it all, through it all, I learn to depend upon the Lord."
5 comments:
Ang, the best tidbit I can give you is to be the best you. We'll never be perfect but we can be genuine. It's okay if people don't like you (although I doubt that they wouldn't), but I know you demonstrate love and grace. Even though people will make you cringe or wonder, be reassured that they'll know they can count on you and respect you. And so does your husband, your friends, your family...
p.s. The semester is almost over! Finish strong and then treat yourself big.
Hey Ang,
I can say that I somewhat understand how you're feeling because I too have struggled with wanting to please everyone. Last year and into this year I'm still learning about how I can't please everyone, and that the one that I really need to be concerned about pleasing is God. It's so hard though! Especially when you are a pastor's wife and in the public eye all the time. I find that unfortunately it's often the people in the chruch who say things to hurt us more than people in the world! Although your situation and frustrations are most likely different then the ones I've been dealing with, be encouraged - you are not alone. As pastor's wife we have a great responsibility that can sometimes prove to be a burden and a blessing! Check out this book: "A Life Embraced: A Hopeful Guide for the Pastor's Wife" by Gayle Haggard. My mom gave it to me. I've read it once, but I need to read it again.
The whole furthering the education thing - I can relate as I too have been furthering mine. It's so frustrating at times. Sometimes I ask myself, "Am I crazy for doing this?" and then I realize how the Lord has opened up the doors and directed me to do this. He can see the bigger picture. Hang in there - your semester will be over soon. As I've been taking Biology and Human Physiology through correspondence I can somewhat imagine how difficult your courses must be for nursing!! I commend you for taking on such a challenge. You'll make a great nurse Angela - you have such a big heart.
Hey Ang! I agree with what both Dani and Sarah have had to say, and all i have to add is don't forget about your friends in the east! If you ever feel alone or just need to talk, just give us a call. I'm here for you no matter how many miles may separate us! I mean it! You can even call collect if you want!
Ladies,
Thank you for your encouraging words. It helped so much, and I read all of them several times.
Dani-are you still coming in August? Branscombe is coming in Aug too. it'd be cool if we could hang out a little!
Sarah-I'll definitely check out that book, thanks!!!
Liz-this week is Spring Break...I'm definitely going to call!!
Love you all. Today was my last midterm...now I get a week's break. Sigh
Still coming!
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